Let the Past Go – Forge Ahead!
How was your childhood? How were you treated in your family? You may have had a great upbringing; loved, taken care, full of life and happy. I had a mixture of the two. I had a great life and a bad one at the same time.
I have never known who my biological dad was; maybe I may never know him till my last day on earth. Being the first born in the family, this came with responsibilities. I was the care taker of my family. It was not an easy task.
In the African culture, your siblings are your responsibility; you look after them like your mother does. Wash them, cook meals for them, and clean their clothes. In the village where I grew up, we had no washing machines, no gas, and no money to buy charcoal. Everything had to be done manually. I had not time to play. It was constant work, work and work.
I thank God that I was a clever child, still am. I could understand all the lessons very well in class and I didn’t struggle even when it came to the exams. I remember one day, I was taken to a new school, during the interview, the teacher made read an English book upside down and I was able to. I loved learning and that, I still do even today.
I had no friends; I couldn’t get the time to play. I was always working or alone. I have never gone to parties, had sleep over’s.I had no friends; i loved being alone. Life moved so fast for me and in just a short time, I am married and I have a child.
It was during one of our family discussions with my husband that I learned something very important. He mentioned that I am a very anti-social person. In our more than six years of marriage, he has never seen me with a ‘friend’. I talk to people yes, but I don’t let them that close.
I had not realized that this affected our marriage. I always got jealous whenever I saw him with someone- be it male or female. He is a very out-going person. He interacts and gets along with almost everyone. I couldn’t just stand hanging around him. According to him, it’s like I was scared of people.
I thought about his statements for a while and it got me thinking about my upbringing, my childhood. This is something that has been in me since. I did not know that it affected my marriage, my social life and my life in general.
Until now, I had not realized that I am repeating the same cycle in my son. I always stay with him indoors whenever he is not in school. I thought I was preventing him for getting hurt by other kids; but it’s actually the opposite. He is living exactly the way I used to.
My confidant is my reading. I love reading a lot so most of the time that is what I do. Read and write.
I always have a pen and paper, and a book around me. I open up in my writing. Untill then, I was so afraid of life. I always looked at myself as someone who is not worth anything. When someone comments something beautiful about me; I always doubted it.
I had created this wall that my husband was trying to bypass for long. We hardly laughed in the house; I am always too serious. But, I thank God that he finally opened up to me and told me the truth. I love him for that. I may not find a friend now, but I am willing to gradually change, let the past go and forge ahead into my destiny.
If you are going through the same, look critically at your beginnings and make corrections. My siblings are all grown up now and they are each living their happy lives. I cannot keep being the same, its time to embrace change, change my son’s upbringing, and change myself physically, mentally and emotionally.
Have you discovered yours yet?
You are welcome to share in the comments. Recommend some great books and ways that I can get past this very quickly.
Love
Jane
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