THE ROLE OF THE HUSBAND
Ephesians 5:23- For the husband is the head of the wife, even as
Christ is the head of the church and He is the Savior of the body.
a) Selfless Servant Leader
Christian husbands cannot be selfish in the decisions they make for the family. They must lead as Christ led. He was a servant leader. Mark 10-42-45 says –So Jesus called them together and said, “You know that in this world kings are tyrants, and officials lord it over the people beneath them. But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant and whoever wants to be first must be the slave of all. For even the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many.
b) Comfort and guide
It is the responsibility of you as the husband to be a comfort and guide to your family. Don’t buy into the lie that you must display a hard persona character but you should at all times display the character of Christ. You must know when to be stern, and when to apply comfort. Never be ashamed to show your sensitive more caring side to your wife or children. You should be able to guide your family physically and spiritually.
c) Willing to sacrifice
Christ made the ultimate sacrifice for His bride, the church; He gave His life. Am I suggesting you die for your wife? Well, if it came down to that, yes you should be willing to exchange your life for hers. But outside of that, you must be willing to sacrifice little things on a daily basis. How can you sacrifice? You can sacrifice your time by doing something she’s been asking you to do that you keep putting off; or you could sacrifice your comfort by joining her in an activity that makes her happy. As they say in sports, “sometimes you have to take.
d) Nourish and Cherish
Just as the Lord does it to the church in Ephesians 5:28-29. To nourish means to sustain with nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health and growth. To cherish means to give affection, care, or shelter to something.
What the Role of the Husband is NOT
For many years, believers and non‐believers alike have misunderstood the role of the husband in the home. They hastily read Ephesians 5:23 and concluded that to be the head meant that the husband was in control, while the wife could only speak when spoken to. When in fact, the relationship the husband has with his wife is suppose to mimic the relationship that Christ has with his bride, the church. To get a better understanding of what the husband’s role should look like, let’s take a look at what the husband’s role is NOT:
a) Dictator
A dictator is a person exercising absolute power; a ruler who has absolute, unrestricted control in a government. In a dictatorship, the people have absolutely no say in anything that happens. Your position as husband is not that of a dictator. You should not aim to control your wife. As your helpmeet, it would serve you well to always listen to her input. Remember, God created her because he knew there was something she could add to your life.
b) Boss
A boss is a person who employs or superintends workers; manage. A person who makes decisions, exercises authority, dominates, etc. A boss has a relationship with his employee that is primarily based on performance. If the employee does not perform, the boss has the option to terminate his employment or take disciplinary action. You and your wife do not have an employer/employee relationship; it is in no way based on performance. Furthermore, there is no clause in your marriage covenant that allows termination if her performance is not satisfactory. You are no better than she is and therefore there should be a mutual respect for one another.
c) Passive Non Leader
A Passive Non-Leader is a person who is only a leader by word. In actuality, he makes no decisions and has little to no input over matters. The passive husband would sit by and allow his wife to make all the decisions and basically run the whole household. This is not what God intended and therefore out of order.
WHAT YOUR WIFE NEEDS
“Husbands love your wives even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” Ephesians 5:25
Do you have days when it seems that you and your wife are flowing in perfect unison? On these occasions, you think to yourself “life is good.” But then there are days when it seems nothing you do pleases her. On those days you ask yourself if aliens have invaded your wife’s body. If you’ve ever felt that way you are not alone. Most men see their wives as complicated creatures that change with the wind. Admittedly, some women experience hormonal changes monthly that can account for changes in their moods. But even during those times there is one thing that your wife desires and needs from you.
LOVE
Your wife needs to know, feel, hear, and see that you love her. In the text above Paul tells husbands that they are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Most men read that verse and say, “okay” as if the task were a simple one. But loving your wife as Christ loved and loves the church is anything but simple. The first question we must answer is ‘how did Christ love the church?’ Well, the second part of Ephesians 5:25 answers that question. It reminds us that Christ loved the church so much that He gave his life for it. He was willing to suffer and die for His bride, the church. That’s right Christ paid the ultimate price for his bride, could you?
Imagine for a moment that an intruder broke into your home while you and your wife were asleep in bed; what would you do? I’m sure you wouldn’t think twice about sacrificing your life to protect her. Now that’s admirable, but it’s not something many of us can relate to so let’s take this talk of death and suffering from the physical and bring it to the spiritual. How willing are you to “die to your flesh”? How willing are you to be “long suffering”? These, my friend, are challenges you will face daily as a Christian husband. Dying to your flesh means that you place your emotions and your will under the control of the Holy Spirit at all times. When it comes to marriage, dying to your flesh means that you respond to your wife in patience, it means you do what Jesus did and does.
Dying to your flesh also means that you do not act upon the lustful desires of your flesh when you happen to see an attractive woman. Using Christ as your example, Christ was and is faithful to the church. So loving as Christ loves means that you must be faithful to your wife. Christ also suffered for the church before He was crucified. For you this means you should be long suffering as a Christian husband. What does it mean to be long suffering? It means patience, endurance, constancy, steadfastness and perseverance.
“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hateth his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:” Ephesians 5:29
In the Greek, nourish means to nurture up to maturity, and cherish means to warm; to keep warm or to foster with tender care. These are all things you do for your own flesh on a daily basis and since you and your wife are one in the sight of God, He expects you to do the same thing for her. Your physical body is constantly maturing and growing and so is your wife. The things you do to take care of your body facilitate it’s future health, growth, and maturity. Likewise, the nourishment and care you provide for your wife will ensure her future health, growth, and maturity. How can you nourish and cherish your wife? Well, the obvious ways are by providing for her physical needs.
Making sure there’s always food in the house and always showing concern for her physical health and comfort. But as the head of your home, you also have a responsibility to see to it that all members are growing and maturing spiritually. God has a plan for your wife’s life just as He has a plan for your life. He has given her to you as a gift and is trusting that you will provide her with the spiritual support she needs in order to grow and mature into the purpose He has for her life. What does that look like? It could mean you praying for and with your wife on a regular basis.
It means studying your Bible and gaining a deeper spiritual insight so that you can properly lead her spiritually. It means having your own intimate relationship with God outside of your wife. When you have your own intimate relationship with God and understand what God expects from you as a husband, then your wife won’t have to convince you to come with her to church, or convince you to pray and read your Bible. You will desire to do these things on your own because you know that your future spiritual health, growth, and maturity, as well as that of your wife, is resting on the shoulders of you
WIFE BEFORE MOTHER AND FATHER
“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be on flesh.” Ephesians 5:31
In order for you to effectively love your wife, you have to completely leave your father and mother. Is Paul suggesting you cut ties with your parents? Of course not, the Bible tells us that we must honor our mother and father if we want our days to be long upon the earth. Paul says this because he understands it is impossible to be joined to your wife if you are still joined to your parents.
Let me paint a picture for you of what it looks like when a man has not completely left his parents: he always tells his parents about the problems in his marriage, he always seeks the advice of his parents and trusts it more than he does his wife’s. He spends too much time either on the phone with his parents or at their home; he compares his wife to his mother. Doing any of the above things will not cause your wife to feel loved. As her husband, you must understand that your wife and your mother have two different positions in your life.
You cannot place your mother in the position God has given your wife. The proper order in your home should be: God ‐> Husband ‐> Wife ‐> Kids. Any other family order is merely a recipe for disaster. The union between you and your wife supersedes your original family ties. And your wife needs to know that. She needs to know that she is the “queen bee” so to speak. She needs to know that you value her above all others. As your helpmeet she should be your chief adviser, resource person, and consultant. If you have a problem with your wife, talk to your wife about it.
Don’t talk to your mother or co‐workers about your wife. If you need help making a difficult decision, get the advice of your wife. After all, that ‘s why God gave her to you; she is your helpmeet.
“…and they two shall be on flesh.” This is referring to sexual relations, but it doesn’t stop there. God’s intention concerning marriage is complete unity, not just in the bedroom, but a complete sharing of everything. That means a sharing of your ideas, your abilities, your problems, your dreams, your successes, your failures, etc. Not just in theory or by word but in actuality, in your daily living. You are no longer two but one flesh and this “oneness” must manifest itself visibly in your everyday living. So if you really want your wife to feel loved start sharing everything with her. Share your thoughts with her, your hurts, and your joys. Share your money; if you have one dollar make sure she gets .50 cents. What else can you share?
Share the household chores. Wash the dinner dishes or put the children to bed. You can vacuum the carpet or scrub the toilet. Heck, you can even help with the laundry. Whatever it is your wife normally does that you see as her “wifely duty”, try doing it for her or helping her with it. If you do that she will see and feel that you really do love her. You see, if you fail to become one with your wife outside of the bedroom, becoming one flesh in the bedroom will be a challenge to say the least.
WHAT ELSE DOES YOUR WIFE NEED?
a) Non Sexual Affection
As men we sometimes assume that our sexual attraction for our wives tells them that we love them but that is far from the truth. Believe it or not, she feels most loved when you can touch her without having ulterior motives. In other words, don’t wait until you’re in the mood to have sex before you touch your wife. Hold her hand in public, place your arms around her as you watch television. Hug her and kiss her without it ending in the bedroom. The more you touch her outside of the bedroom the more she will feel loved and the more receptive she will be to your touches inside the bedroom.
b) Know What She Enjoys ‐
Your wife’s enjoyments are completely different from yours. Be interested in getting to know your wife and the things she enjoys. Go shopping with her. Not to hold her shopping bags but to find out what kind of clothing she likes. Swallow your pride and go with her to a “girlie” movie if it makes her happy. Find out what her favorite color is, her favorite food, her favorite way to relax. You should always desire to learn more about your wife and what she enjoys.
c) Security
Your wife needs to feel safe and protected in three ways. First she needs to know that you have her back physically if she needs physical protection. Next, she needs to know that she is secure and safe financially. If you job hop and squander money, it’s just a matter of time before your marriage dissolves. Your ability to consistently provide for her and your children is a sense of security that she needs. Finally, your wife needs to feel covered and secure spiritually when it comes to her relationship with you. The Bible says that the weapons of this warfare are not carnal. In other words, we are in a spiritual battle. Your wife needs to know that you have her back in the spiritual realm as well as the physical realm. She needs to know that you are a praying man and a man that listens and follows the leading of God.
d) Her Children are Loved
Your wife needs to know that you love your children as much as she does. You say you do but do you spend quality time with them? Are you patient with them? Or are you short tempered with them? All women have an innate desire to protect their children from harm. If all you do is criticize and complain where your children are concerned, she, your wife, will soon see you as the enemy. When that happens she will instinctively distance herself from you and become the children’s protector. Your wife needs to know that you love your children and your children need to know it too! Colossians 3:21
a) Selfless Servant Leader
Christian husbands cannot be selfish in the decisions they make for the family. They must lead as Christ led. He was a servant leader. Mark 10-42-45 says –So Jesus called them together and said, “You know that in this world kings are tyrants, and officials lord it over the people beneath them. But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant and whoever wants to be first must be the slave of all. For even the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many.
b) Comfort and guide
It is the responsibility of you as the husband to be a comfort and guide to your family. Don’t buy into the lie that you must display a hard persona character but you should at all times display the character of Christ. You must know when to be stern, and when to apply comfort. Never be ashamed to show your sensitive more caring side to your wife or children. You should be able to guide your family physically and spiritually.
c) Willing to sacrifice
Christ made the ultimate sacrifice for His bride, the church; He gave His life. Am I suggesting you die for your wife? Well, if it came down to that, yes you should be willing to exchange your life for hers. But outside of that, you must be willing to sacrifice little things on a daily basis. How can you sacrifice? You can sacrifice your time by doing something she’s been asking you to do that you keep putting off; or you could sacrifice your comfort by joining her in an activity that makes her happy. As they say in sports, “sometimes you have to take.
d) Nourish and Cherish
Just as the Lord does it to the church in Ephesians 5:28-29. To nourish means to sustain with nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health and growth. To cherish means to give affection, care, or shelter to something.
What the Role of the Husband is NOT
For many years, believers and non‐believers alike have misunderstood the role of the husband in the home. They hastily read Ephesians 5:23 and concluded that to be the head meant that the husband was in control, while the wife could only speak when spoken to. When in fact, the relationship the husband has with his wife is suppose to mimic the relationship that Christ has with his bride, the church. To get a better understanding of what the husband’s role should look like, let’s take a look at what the husband’s role is NOT:
a) Dictator
A dictator is a person exercising absolute power; a ruler who has absolute, unrestricted control in a government. In a dictatorship, the people have absolutely no say in anything that happens. Your position as husband is not that of a dictator. You should not aim to control your wife. As your helpmeet, it would serve you well to always listen to her input. Remember, God created her because he knew there was something she could add to your life.
b) Boss
A boss is a person who employs or superintends workers; manage. A person who makes decisions, exercises authority, dominates, etc. A boss has a relationship with his employee that is primarily based on performance. If the employee does not perform, the boss has the option to terminate his employment or take disciplinary action. You and your wife do not have an employer/employee relationship; it is in no way based on performance. Furthermore, there is no clause in your marriage covenant that allows termination if her performance is not satisfactory. You are no better than she is and therefore there should be a mutual respect for one another.
c) Passive Non Leader
A Passive Non-Leader is a person who is only a leader by word. In actuality, he makes no decisions and has little to no input over matters. The passive husband would sit by and allow his wife to make all the decisions and basically run the whole household. This is not what God intended and therefore out of order.
WHAT YOUR WIFE NEEDS
“Husbands love your wives even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” Ephesians 5:25
Do you have days when it seems that you and your wife are flowing in perfect unison? On these occasions, you think to yourself “life is good.” But then there are days when it seems nothing you do pleases her. On those days you ask yourself if aliens have invaded your wife’s body. If you’ve ever felt that way you are not alone. Most men see their wives as complicated creatures that change with the wind. Admittedly, some women experience hormonal changes monthly that can account for changes in their moods. But even during those times there is one thing that your wife desires and needs from you.
LOVE
Your wife needs to know, feel, hear, and see that you love her. In the text above Paul tells husbands that they are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Most men read that verse and say, “okay” as if the task were a simple one. But loving your wife as Christ loved and loves the church is anything but simple. The first question we must answer is ‘how did Christ love the church?’ Well, the second part of Ephesians 5:25 answers that question. It reminds us that Christ loved the church so much that He gave his life for it. He was willing to suffer and die for His bride, the church. That’s right Christ paid the ultimate price for his bride, could you?
Imagine for a moment that an intruder broke into your home while you and your wife were asleep in bed; what would you do? I’m sure you wouldn’t think twice about sacrificing your life to protect her. Now that’s admirable, but it’s not something many of us can relate to so let’s take this talk of death and suffering from the physical and bring it to the spiritual. How willing are you to “die to your flesh”? How willing are you to be “long suffering”? These, my friend, are challenges you will face daily as a Christian husband. Dying to your flesh means that you place your emotions and your will under the control of the Holy Spirit at all times. When it comes to marriage, dying to your flesh means that you respond to your wife in patience, it means you do what Jesus did and does.
Dying to your flesh also means that you do not act upon the lustful desires of your flesh when you happen to see an attractive woman. Using Christ as your example, Christ was and is faithful to the church. So loving as Christ loves means that you must be faithful to your wife. Christ also suffered for the church before He was crucified. For you this means you should be long suffering as a Christian husband. What does it mean to be long suffering? It means patience, endurance, constancy, steadfastness and perseverance.
“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hateth his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:” Ephesians 5:29
In the Greek, nourish means to nurture up to maturity, and cherish means to warm; to keep warm or to foster with tender care. These are all things you do for your own flesh on a daily basis and since you and your wife are one in the sight of God, He expects you to do the same thing for her. Your physical body is constantly maturing and growing and so is your wife. The things you do to take care of your body facilitate it’s future health, growth, and maturity. Likewise, the nourishment and care you provide for your wife will ensure her future health, growth, and maturity. How can you nourish and cherish your wife? Well, the obvious ways are by providing for her physical needs.
Making sure there’s always food in the house and always showing concern for her physical health and comfort. But as the head of your home, you also have a responsibility to see to it that all members are growing and maturing spiritually. God has a plan for your wife’s life just as He has a plan for your life. He has given her to you as a gift and is trusting that you will provide her with the spiritual support she needs in order to grow and mature into the purpose He has for her life. What does that look like? It could mean you praying for and with your wife on a regular basis.
It means studying your Bible and gaining a deeper spiritual insight so that you can properly lead her spiritually. It means having your own intimate relationship with God outside of your wife. When you have your own intimate relationship with God and understand what God expects from you as a husband, then your wife won’t have to convince you to come with her to church, or convince you to pray and read your Bible. You will desire to do these things on your own because you know that your future spiritual health, growth, and maturity, as well as that of your wife, is resting on the shoulders of you
WIFE BEFORE MOTHER AND FATHER
“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be on flesh.” Ephesians 5:31
In order for you to effectively love your wife, you have to completely leave your father and mother. Is Paul suggesting you cut ties with your parents? Of course not, the Bible tells us that we must honor our mother and father if we want our days to be long upon the earth. Paul says this because he understands it is impossible to be joined to your wife if you are still joined to your parents.
Let me paint a picture for you of what it looks like when a man has not completely left his parents: he always tells his parents about the problems in his marriage, he always seeks the advice of his parents and trusts it more than he does his wife’s. He spends too much time either on the phone with his parents or at their home; he compares his wife to his mother. Doing any of the above things will not cause your wife to feel loved. As her husband, you must understand that your wife and your mother have two different positions in your life.
You cannot place your mother in the position God has given your wife. The proper order in your home should be: God ‐> Husband ‐> Wife ‐> Kids. Any other family order is merely a recipe for disaster. The union between you and your wife supersedes your original family ties. And your wife needs to know that. She needs to know that she is the “queen bee” so to speak. She needs to know that you value her above all others. As your helpmeet she should be your chief adviser, resource person, and consultant. If you have a problem with your wife, talk to your wife about it.
Don’t talk to your mother or co‐workers about your wife. If you need help making a difficult decision, get the advice of your wife. After all, that ‘s why God gave her to you; she is your helpmeet.
“…and they two shall be on flesh.” This is referring to sexual relations, but it doesn’t stop there. God’s intention concerning marriage is complete unity, not just in the bedroom, but a complete sharing of everything. That means a sharing of your ideas, your abilities, your problems, your dreams, your successes, your failures, etc. Not just in theory or by word but in actuality, in your daily living. You are no longer two but one flesh and this “oneness” must manifest itself visibly in your everyday living. So if you really want your wife to feel loved start sharing everything with her. Share your thoughts with her, your hurts, and your joys. Share your money; if you have one dollar make sure she gets .50 cents. What else can you share?
Share the household chores. Wash the dinner dishes or put the children to bed. You can vacuum the carpet or scrub the toilet. Heck, you can even help with the laundry. Whatever it is your wife normally does that you see as her “wifely duty”, try doing it for her or helping her with it. If you do that she will see and feel that you really do love her. You see, if you fail to become one with your wife outside of the bedroom, becoming one flesh in the bedroom will be a challenge to say the least.
WHAT ELSE DOES YOUR WIFE NEED?
a) Non Sexual Affection
As men we sometimes assume that our sexual attraction for our wives tells them that we love them but that is far from the truth. Believe it or not, she feels most loved when you can touch her without having ulterior motives. In other words, don’t wait until you’re in the mood to have sex before you touch your wife. Hold her hand in public, place your arms around her as you watch television. Hug her and kiss her without it ending in the bedroom. The more you touch her outside of the bedroom the more she will feel loved and the more receptive she will be to your touches inside the bedroom.
b) Know What She Enjoys ‐
Your wife’s enjoyments are completely different from yours. Be interested in getting to know your wife and the things she enjoys. Go shopping with her. Not to hold her shopping bags but to find out what kind of clothing she likes. Swallow your pride and go with her to a “girlie” movie if it makes her happy. Find out what her favorite color is, her favorite food, her favorite way to relax. You should always desire to learn more about your wife and what she enjoys.
c) Security
Your wife needs to feel safe and protected in three ways. First she needs to know that you have her back physically if she needs physical protection. Next, she needs to know that she is secure and safe financially. If you job hop and squander money, it’s just a matter of time before your marriage dissolves. Your ability to consistently provide for her and your children is a sense of security that she needs. Finally, your wife needs to feel covered and secure spiritually when it comes to her relationship with you. The Bible says that the weapons of this warfare are not carnal. In other words, we are in a spiritual battle. Your wife needs to know that you have her back in the spiritual realm as well as the physical realm. She needs to know that you are a praying man and a man that listens and follows the leading of God.
d) Her Children are Loved
Your wife needs to know that you love your children as much as she does. You say you do but do you spend quality time with them? Are you patient with them? Or are you short tempered with them? All women have an innate desire to protect their children from harm. If all you do is criticize and complain where your children are concerned, she, your wife, will soon see you as the enemy. When that happens she will instinctively distance herself from you and become the children’s protector. Your wife needs to know that you love your children and your children need to know it too! Colossians 3:21
Comments
Post a Comment